What do you do when someone asks for "in lieu of flowers"? Not because the concept is hard. In real terms, it's a phrase that shows up in obituaries more often than most people realize, and if you've been asked to write one — or you're writing your own arrangements in advance — it can feel oddly intimidating. Just because the words feel heavy Easy to understand, harder to ignore. And it works..
Here's the thing: "in lieu of flowers" doesn't mean flowers are forbidden. Consider this: it means the family is gently redirecting generosity somewhere else. And how you phrase that redirect — what you suggest, how you say it, what tone you strike — actually matters more than people think. That said, a clumsy version sounds transactional. A good version sounds like the person speaking.
Let's walk through how to write it well, what to include, and the small choices that separate a forgettable line from one that genuinely guides people.
What "In Lieu of Flowers" Actually Means
The phrase comes from older formal English, where "in lieu of" simply means "instead of." So an in lieu of flowers request is asking people to skip the bouquet and do something different instead Which is the point..
In practice, it's used for two reasons. Sometimes the family doesn't want more floral arrangements — the house is already overflowing, or the person simply wasn't a flower person. And sometimes the family wants donations to go somewhere meaningful, often tied to a cause the deceased cared about, or to a fund that helps the family with end-of-life costs or future needs It's one of those things that adds up..
Worth pausing on this one.
There's no rule that says you have to use the phrase. Which means you can write it however feels right. But "in lieu of flowers" is so widely recognized that it does a lot of signaling work in a short space — readers immediately understand the format and what kind of response is being asked for.
Why Families Choose This
A few common reasons show up again and again. They might want to honor a cause the person championed — cancer research, a local animal shelter, a veterans' group, a scholarship fund. The family may want support directed toward medical bills or funeral expenses that insurance didn't cover. Sometimes the person themselves specified it in a will or final wishes. And sometimes, honestly, the family just can't face another vase of lilies.
Easier said than done, but still worth knowing.
None of these reasons are wrong. All of them are worth respecting Simple as that..
Why the Wording Matters More Than You'd Think
An obituary is read fast and skimmed twice. Worth adding: most people scan for three things: the service details, the family names, and the "in lieu of" line. That last one tells readers what to actually do — and most readers will follow it, especially if it's clear.
A vague line like "donations appreciated" leaves people guessing. A specific line like "donations may be made to the American Cancer Society" gives them something to act on within seconds. The clearer the ask, the more likely it is to be honored Easy to understand, harder to ignore. That's the whole idea..
This is also one of the few places in an obituary where tone really shifts. Even so, the in lieu of section is functional. That said, the rest of the writing is remembrance — who this person was, what they loved, who they leave behind. It reads almost like a footnote, which is why the phrasing tends to be more direct and less poetic Most people skip this — try not to. Worth knowing..
How to Write an In Lieu of Flowers Obituary Line
Let's get into the actual writing. There's a rough structure that works in most cases, and once you've seen it, the variations become easy.
The basic pattern is: state the request, name the recipient, give the action.*
That's it. Three small moves, in roughly that order. Here's an example:
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to the Heart Association, P.And o. Box 123, Springfield, IL Small thing, real impact..
Clean. In practice, easy to follow. Which means functional. Notice it doesn't try to be poetic — that line isn't about the deceased, it's about the reader's next step.
A Slightly Warmer Version
If you want a touch more humanity without losing clarity, you can add a brief note about why. Not a long explanation. Just a sentence.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Heart Association in Bob's memory. Bob spent his retirement volunteering with their local chapter, and the family hopes to continue that work in his name.
Now the reader knows the cause mattered to the person. It turns a transaction into a small act of continuation Most people skip this — try not to..
Multiple Options
Sometimes the family wants to offer more than one path. That's fine. You can list two or three organizations, or pair a charity with a "memorial fund" for the family itself.
In lieu of flowers, the family welcomes donations to the Humane Society or to the Johnson Family Memorial Fund, which will support [specific cause — e.Because of that, g. , a grandchild's education, ongoing medical costs for a surviving sibling, etc.].
Just make sure each option is specific. But "Or to a charity of your choice" technically works, but it tends to reduce follow-through. People like being told clearly what to do That's the part that actually makes a difference..
What to Include in the Details
If you're naming a charity, a few details help. The full organization name, a mailing address for checks, and — when possible — a note about whether online donations are accepted. Still, many larger nonprofits have dedicated memorial donation pages; mentioning "online at example. org/memorial" is a kindness to out-of-town readers who'd rather not mail a check.
If it's a personal fund rather than an established charity, include a contact name, a check-payable line, and a mailing address. And — this matters — be clear that it's a personal fund, not a registered nonprofit. Readers shouldn't have to guess Small thing, real impact..
Common Mistakes People Make With This Section
A few patterns show up over and over, and they're easy to avoid once you see them.
Writing it like a poem. "In lieu of flowers, let your kindness bloom in a different garden." It sounds lovely, but readers often can't tell what the actual ask is. Keep the imagery for the rest of the obituary. This part is practical.
Burying the request. If the in lieu of line is the fourth paragraph down, between the grandchildren's names and the list of hobbies, people will miss it. Put it near the end of the obituary, in its own short paragraph, with some white space around it. Newspaper editors and online obituary forms usually have a dedicated spot for this — use it.
Being vague about the cause. "Donations to a charity of choice" or "to a cause that was meaningful to them" — these are kind sentiments, but they don't actually help the reader act. Pick the thing. Name it. Give the address It's one of those things that adds up..
Forgetting to thank people in advance. This is optional, but a small line like "The family is deeply grateful for your support" softens the otherwise direct ask. It costs nothing and reads well That's the whole idea..
Confusing "in lieu of" with "in memory of." These get mixed up constantly. "In lieu of flowers" means instead of* sending flowers. "In memory of" means honoring the memory of*. They often appear together, but they're doing different jobs Turns out it matters..
Practical Tips That Actually Help
A few more things worth knowing, drawn from how obituaries actually get written and read.
Keep the line short if the rest of the obituary is long. Two is fine. Long obituaries are common now — full life stories, long lists of survivors. The in lieu of section should not add to that weight. A single sentence is often enough. Three is pushing it.
If the deceased had a specific relationship with an organization — volunteered there, was treated there, ran a fundraiser — say so in one line. It tells readers the donation isn't random. Day to day, it's personal. And people give more generously when the connection is real.
Don't feel pressure to include this section at all. If flowers are welcome, or if the family genuinely has no preference, it's fine to omit it. Some obituaries simply end with a thank-you to the hospital staff or hospice team. That's a complete close, too That's the whole idea..
If you're writing your own obituary in advance — and more people are doing this than you'd think — the in lieu of line is one of the easier pieces to plan now, while you're calm and can pick the organization that actually means something to you.
And if you're helping a grieving family write it, sometimes the simplest move is to ask, "Is there a cause or organization you'd like people to support?" That one question often unlocks the rest of the line.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have to send something if it says "in lieu of flowers"?
You don't have* to. But the request is usually made because it matters to the family. A card, a donation, or even a short note acknowledging the request is almost always appreciated.
especially for close friends or family members who were expecting to honor the person in this way And that's really what it comes down to..
The core of the request, however, is clarity. An obituary is a final act of communication, a guide for those who wish to pay their respects. Plus, by providing a specific, actionable request—whether it's a donation to a named charity, a contribution to a scholarship fund, or simply a note to the family—you remove the burden of guesswork from the reader. You transform a moment of potential awkwardness into a straightforward opportunity for kindness.
At the end of the day, the "in lieu of" section isn't about flowers or money. It’s a testament to their values, a final gift from them to the world. This leads to it's about channeling the sympathy that people feel into something that holds lasting meaning for the person being honored. A well-written line does all of this with brevity and grace, ensuring that the legacy of giving continues long after the flowers have faded Which is the point..
